Summer

It ends for me...yet it is still hot.
Rainy day has began...but no drop of drizzle has yet to fall.

As my elegy to summer, let me define it:

- a time when I went to a carnival
- and took a roller coaster ride
- not keen to fear or falling
- hopeful of bliss and... of falling

- a place where i met a lot of people
- who stirred me up and brought me down
- only to find no land beneath me
- only air to suggest I was flying

- a season for dreams and realities
- a whirlwind of lurid heat and colors
- giddying, dizzying, frenetic
- life and love in a spin

- a door to the roller coaster
- that eventually stops, slowly but surely
- you go out of the same door
- ends up in the same place...

- but you see, it will never be.

this...as I await the first drop of rain...

When a Place Becomes

It amazes me (to the point of confusion) how one day, a certain place is nothing but an unsignificant spot in the universe, nothing but a mere scenery of everyday...and then, the day (or weeks) after, the same spot becomes a monument of life, or at least a reminder of an extremely happy moment, one of the few unexpected episodes when the word LIFE lives up to its name. If giving signifance to a place (and/or time) is a crime, then memory is its culprit.

I sit on the train or on a bus, staring blankly nowhere, or everywhere, then boom! It hits you. You reach a certain place, and see a certain spot, a certain billboard, or eating place, or a bench, or a pillar...and you remember (memory), LIFE happened here...

What happens next? It could be two things..
One, you reminisce and thank your lucky stars that you can still make new ones because the memory is still a part of NOW.

or Two, you reminisce and...a pang of sadness befalls you, because the memory is also the past..
.. and the only solace for sadness, is that the future hasnt happened yet, and that the bus, or train where i stare nowhere or everywhere moves on to the next stop.

Reverberating...

...as if its the only sound you hear...
...amidst the tenderest clasp..

"...[we] could go on like this forever..."

...and at that moment it did...in my memory.

Absence

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Right now, I think its crap. Especially, if you miss the very physical presence of a certain soul. The touch of skin, the sound of voice, the look in the eyes....and the wink that crumples that stubborn nose. :-)

It makes my heart glow with warmth. So now, in its absence, i long for it. There's no rationalizing about it.

At this point, I write as an optimist...thats why i long to see the moment when absence disappears again. "Lalalala..."

Faithless

I go to church every Sunday, in fact i go there almost everyday. Its practically my life. With that scenario, you can easily box me as someone who prays a lot; has a large amount of faith, his life quite figured out and made up.

Hardly. I struggle. I have angst. I fear. I have many enemies. and they're mostly myself.

Why say this now? Because now, I am on the edge. a place where many things to me look uncertain, and things swim mishmashed together in a hazy conondrum. In short, may bumabagabag sa aking isip. This thing inside me keeps me on the edge. It saddens me, and pushes me, sometimes exhaustively to think about it a lot. If my brain's a body, it would have biceps and abs all over it.

To the point that it worries me. I worry me.

On this area of my life, I have no faith. My only consolation, ironic as it my seem, is that i believe that this "thing", this agony that i have geniusly construed inside me shall pass, like everything else that has gone before, and disappear eventually through time, and space. I have faith after all. But not so today.

I labor, in my mind, to make it easier, make my life happier.

What is "it"? Or WHO is "it"?
It started beautifully, unintentional, spontaneous, until my mind played with it. Ho hum.

I dont know if writing about this helps me. I guess i just have to wait...and pray.